Thursday, January 29, 2009
Mild depression is a gradual and sometimes permanent thing that undermines people the way rust weakens iron -- Like physical pain that becomes chronic, it is miserable not so much because it is intolerable in the moment as because it is intolerable to have known it in the moments gone and to look forward only to knowing it in the moments to come.
You don't always win battles,
but at least you fought.
You're not always right,
but at least you thought.
You're not always going to stand,
sometimes you have to fall.
But the lessons you learn from this
are the best lessons of all.
but at least you fought.
You're not always right,
but at least you thought.
You're not always going to stand,
sometimes you have to fall.
But the lessons you learn from this
are the best lessons of all.
I walked out of the door with pride and a sense of satisfaction.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Once you lose hope
you start to lose everything.
At first,I didn't believe it.But after all this serious shit, I know. It was those days when each and everyone of us were supporting each other not to give up.Crossing fingers waiting for miracles will happen,if we wait long enough. And now, everyone knows that nothing is gonna change.Shits don't turn to flowers.Grass can't become sky.Denial can be such a determined thing.We block out everything, everyone that could make us see the truth.We wanted to be the better few,years back but now,we don't even want to part of them or have anything to do with them.The eight of us,we gave up.It was slow and enjoyable death,I'll say.Don't they have lethal injection?
Boxer,the hardworking horse was eventually sent to the knackers in the end.
On that fateful day, we tried to escape but failed.And we vomited everything out- not everything actually. With all those crying shits and what not.Hah, now,BULLSHIT.
Promise after promise.Letdown after letdown.
you start to lose everything.
At first,I didn't believe it.But after all this serious shit, I know. It was those days when each and everyone of us were supporting each other not to give up.Crossing fingers waiting for miracles will happen,if we wait long enough. And now, everyone knows that nothing is gonna change.Shits don't turn to flowers.Grass can't become sky.Denial can be such a determined thing.We block out everything, everyone that could make us see the truth.We wanted to be the better few,years back but now,we don't even want to part of them or have anything to do with them.The eight of us,we gave up.It was slow and enjoyable death,I'll say.Don't they have lethal injection?
Boxer,the hardworking horse was eventually sent to the knackers in the end.
On that fateful day, we tried to escape but failed.And we vomited everything out- not everything actually. With all those crying shits and what not.Hah, now,BULLSHIT.
Promise after promise.Letdown after letdown.
The eight of them were drowning and eventually they swam up to the surface of water, to breathe. But even before they manage to get a breath,they were dunked all the way down by the others.They tried several times,and the whole vicious cycle repeats again.They are floating around aimlessly in the sea, strong currents pushing each and everyone of them around.As you are reading this,they are still in the sea, awaiting for their death.
What would you do if you were one of them?
What will their fate be? Let's wait.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
No,no the photographer wasn't shaking when she took the picture.And stop rubbing your eyes,wipe your specs or turning the monitor up,down.left and right.There's no problem with your eyes,I purposely edited the picture so that why it looks blurry.
I just finished my karangan and I'm friggin' tired.
I have Sec 4 peribahasa to learn/memorize.
Maths homework..GAHHHH!
And Readers' Digest worksheet.
The best thang is,its 10pm now.I don't want to burn the midnight oil and then wake up at 5.30am and get ready for school and reach home at 7.30pm after training.And the whole cycle
repeats again.
Sheesh..'MITOCHONDRIA' SCHOOL! -replaces mitochondria with another word-
Seeya RIBOSOMES,when I seeyuh,RIBOSOMES.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
For 17 days i didn't update my blog.Apologies.
Since school reopened..
Its like World War 1,everything is going bizarre and out of control.And the best part is..its only the second week of school.Looking at 2008,I wonder how survived that long.
My mind is choked with all the things that happened last week,and I don't want to recall 'em.
I'm just glad that the week is over.
I shall do a questionare..
Why do you text message people?
because i have something impt or urgent to tell/ask 'em.
Do you like receiving text messages?
yessssss :)
What is a text message you have saved?
"Its never too late." -Nabilah
Do you like talking on the phone?
Nope.Well actually it depends on who I'm talking to.
Which is better, a text message or a phone call?
text message.
Is there someone in your life right now that you feel like you could share anything with?
yeahhh, like a few people.
If so, does this person share theirs in return?
hope so
Describe a feel good memory you have.
there are wayyy too many.
What is something you are looking forward to in the next 6 months?
Malay O's.
What is something you are looking forward to within the next 3 years?
Hmm..nothing?
Do you keep a journal?
Yea,but I don't write in it everyday.
If so, who do you or who would you share it with?
ohhh no idea.
Describe the last dream you remember.
ohhh, I went to the toilet and pee-d.Then I woke up and pee-d.
Describe your favorite dream.
Forgot.
Do you have any addictions? If so, what?
No.
Do you like how, when, where, and with who you lost your virginity?
I'm a virgin.
Do you sleep with a teddy bear or something special?
No.Only two pillows.
Do you hate your computer?
sometimes.
Are you searching for something in life?
purpose
Do you like it when someone IMs, calls, texts or otherwise talks to you just to say hi or goodnight?
yeah.
Do you have any piercings? How many and where? Got any planned to get?
Nope.Not planning to get any.
Do you have any tattoos? How many and what are they of? Got any planned to get?
No.But I like the art of it.
Name 3 things you like about your body.
hair?
What is your deep down fear?
failure.
How does your fear affect you life?
I try to be brave..
What is your worst memory?
i have a few.
What is your best memory?
uhhh, under the basketball hoop. 4th July 08 - Allisa's bday
What is your motto?
life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself
What is your favorite quote?
"truth is, everyone's gonna hurt you. you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."
Who do you care about a lot?
family. friends.
How does that person make you feel?
they make me feel wonderful.
What is your favorite lyrics?
ohh it changes constantly.
What is your favorite love song?
thinking of you. katy perry
When you sing that song, who do you think about?
depends
What song do you listen to when you are happy?
a lot.
What song do you listen to when you are sad?
a lot.
How do you feel about your family?
no comments.
How do you feel about your friends?
i LOVE them.
Are you usually the first to say sorry when you're in a fight, or the last?
depends. if i know i'm wrong i will be the first to say sorry. if i feel like i've been wronged i won't say it.
If you had to draw a picture right now, what would you draw?
a girl with mushroom-kinda-hair
What is your favorite Disney movie?
MULAN.
What type of shampoo/conditioner do you use?
Pantene.I hate it.
What is the worst thing someone could ever do to you?
LIE.
Who was the last person you spoke to?
Wani.
I know its boring..
I won't be updating often.And my post won't be as crazy as the previous ones.I need to learn how to be serious.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Oh freak,I don't know what to update about.. Except for the fact that i ate hotcakes for breakfast..lol?
I’ve learned this past year. I’ve changed. I’ve grown. Maybe things do happen for a reason; maybe they don’t. But no matter what, they still happen. That’s what we need to remember. I learned to stop analyzing things, to just let them happen. And if I get hurt, or if something bad happens, then it happens. There’s nothing I can do to change that. I’ve learned to go with my gut, and that it’s okay to make mistakes because the ones that matter won’t care. I’ve learned that your friends can save you from your worst enemy – yourself. And, most importantly, I’ve learned that today is all we have.
If you have the time,read this.Its about a girl who has just gone through a breakup.
Its sad but life has to go on..
It's all gone.
We're "on a break."
For no reason. It has to be his ex, I know it. I hung out with him all weekend, Saturday he gave me my Christmas present which was a Build-a-Bear dressed up like a little army guy, it was really cute and sad. So we had a great time all weekend and I left my iPod in his car last night, so I texted him at 4PM when I got home this afternoon (Sunday) and told him I left it there and he offered to bring it over. So he came over and was being all cute and we were talking about random stuff.
So, last night (Saturday) his ex texted him because she "wanted to be cool." So he was like "Okay, whatever that's fine. We're cool." And she kept texting him and she was like "I still love you I want you back." And he was honest with me and showed me even though I didn't even ask what she said. And he said that he told her they were gonna talk tomorrow.
So he kisses me goodbye, then I talk to him later on facebook and everything is normal. And I was like "Did you talk to her?" And he was like "Yeah, we just talked about how things have changed or whatever."
Then like an hour later he randomly texts me and this is what he says:
"don't be mad but i think we need to go on a break. i got so much shit going on in my head right now i need to get stuff straight."
OVER TEXT. COOL LIFE.
So I text back and this is how the rest of the conversation goes:
me: "seriously?"
him: "yeah i'm really sorry i just got a lot of shit to think about."
me: "like...jamie?" (his ex.)
him: "a little but is mostly me and the army and everything else."
me: "this is completely outta the blue."
him: "not really i've been thinking for a few days now. but it has nothing to do with you i still like you. i just got some stuff to sort out."
At this point, I'm just like fuck this, this is not for text. At least a phone conversation because its not really a good time to like randomly meet at 9PM on a Sunday.
So I call him and I'm like, "So what's going on?" And basically he says that he's confused and we rushed into things cuz we went from being best friends to not talking and then suddenly dating.
What I didn't say, but I have a small conflict with:
He was the one who expressed his feelings for me. My exact words were that I DID NOT WANT TO RUSH INTO ANYTHING, and that we should start being close friends again before anything happens. He agrees. And we want to keep it quiet especially from his ex because they had broken up a week ago at this point.
She finds out Monday. On Tuesday we were sitting in the cafeteria in the morning and one of our mutual friends randomly asks him "Hey, are you guys dating?" He says yes without us ever having that conversation.
I get to first period and text him, "So we're dating now?"
him: "yeah."
me: "oh, okay. we never had that conversation really."
him: "oh, well are you okay with that."
me: "yeah i guess. :) "
him: "okay good :)"
WHAT THE FUCK?
He rushes into things, we hung out everyday this week after school except Wednesday because I had a riding lesson.
I DON'T GET IT.
He sends me texts that say stuff like:
"You are all that matters to me."
"I'm crazy for you."
"I'm so happy. You don't even know how happy I am." (he means with me, we were having a conversation about it.)
About his ex girlfriend: "But we can't let her intimidate us. She is just pissed off that I moved on and she can't. She just needs to get over it and realize that I'm much happier than I ever was with her."
"I don't wanna come home and see my baby with someone else." (he means from the army.)
"Well, I'm just telling you the truth. You make me happy just being with you. I've never had as much fun doing nothing with anyone else."
"Me too I'm so happy right now its not even funny. I missed you so much and now I'm happy that I have you back."
And those are all quoted. Because they are saved on my phone.
I go from a cycle of being really upset to really confused to really fucking pissed to not caring at all, back to upset.
And it just keeps going round and round and round.
I told him on the phone that if he wants to be with his ex to go for it, but I'm not gonna have anything to do with him then. And I told him I'm not the kinda girl that is on and off with a guy every 3 days, like the way they were.
I DON'T FUCKING LIKE THIS.
Everything was perfect, this weekend was perfect, everything. Until 8:05 PM.